(Part 1 not available on Wayback Machine as of this writing - http://web.archive.org/web/20010215101557/http://411wrestling.com/mopup/headlines/90.shtml)
(Part 2-)
Mop-Up RAW 02.05.01
By Hyatte
-Exterior shot of Atlanta. Ross announced that McMahon made this match a No DQ during the break. I demand to see or hear proof that he actually ADDED such a stipulation during that SPECIFIC break!
-Edge and Christian came out. They mocked Kai Entai's new "dubbed" gimmick by voicing over Japanese.
-Kai Entai came out and did it for real. Michinoku said that E & C just said that they were going to hump a camel (and what's wrong with that?).
-Things were going E & C's way... it was looking like a big job-out... but Taka was tagged in and cleaned a bit of house... LOOKS LIKE OUR JAP FRIENDS MIGHT GET A LITTLE BIT OF PROPS FROM THE AMERICAN WWF EMPLOYERS FOR ONCE IN THEIR MISERABLE LI...
-oops, scratch that... E & C won after a "stacked" superplex... which was really a cool looking move.
-Backstage, Stephanie bitches at the makeup girl that the maid at the hotel gave her an earring that she found in her Father's room... and earring that was NOT her Mother's. Well, now Steph's angry enough to talk to her father about this, ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!
-She stalked off... ignorant of the fact that William Regal heard all of this... and hatched a PLAN.
-oh yeah... like the Princess NEEDS makeup!
-and notice how well... LIT this scene was? Looks like Steph has taken to demanding her own personal LIGHTING!
-commercials
-Vince was on the phone... telling someone on the phone "F-the critics... the FANS loved the XFL... it's all about the FANS!!!" (He's a HEEL promoter??)
-Stephanie barges in and confronts Vince with the earring AND his relationship with Trish Stratus. This went on for a few minutes, then William Regal stepped in and thanked Vince for allowing him to use the Hotel room and claimed the earring as belonging to a Hooker he picked up earlier. (Hey, you try getting dates with a body whiter than sourdough!) What I want you to notice here was the way Stephanie always made sure she was facing her Father yet still "playing to the camera" by turning her body and facing the audience. It's the first lesson taught by any half-witted Community College drama Coach. STEPH'S BEEN TAKING ACTING COURSES!!!!!! BE AFRAID!!! BE VERY AFRAID!!!
-Kevin Kelly grabs the just arriving Steve Austin and tattles on Vince's plans for him tonight. Austin seemed less than thrilled. Anyone else think Austin could be getting blown by both Pam Anderson and Carmen Electra and STILL look less than thrilled?
-The CAT... tries to hire the Acolytes for protection tonight so she could start up a "Right to Nudity" cause. In lieu of money, the Kat flashed them.
-Dudleys, Undertaker, Kane, tag match, recap, sucks, even, more, after, these...
-commercials
-Came kane out (this amuses only me... I know)
-The Undertaker roared out. HE'S THE BEST DAMMIT!!!
-The Dudley's entered. All four men stood in the ring, sizing each other up... trying to pinpoint weak spots, identify Achilles’ heels, exploit hidden injuries... MAKE ON THE SPOT STRATEGIES!!!!! FEEL THE GAME OF CHESS BEING PLAYED OUT ON LIVE TV!!! DO YOU FEEL IT??? DO YOU????
-Kane started out with D-Von... SIDEWALK SLAM!!!!!
-BIG belly to back suplex!! Well, it wasn't THAT big.
-D-Von did something and tried a pin... no dice. He tagged in Buh Buh Ray
-Buh Buh went down... Kane then flew with a flying clothesline
-Tag to the Undertaker... who cornered Buh Buh and went to work... stopping to yell at the ref, "GET OUT OF MY F-ING FACE!!!!" (a referees... the Tina Turners of sports entertainment)
-UT screamed, "OLD SCHOOL" and walked the top ropes... well.. 2 steps... well okay, a step and a half... old fart.
-The Dudley's get some momentum going... they clothesline Kane out of the ring and set UT up for a 3D... JUST as they were about to hit it, Kane dragged Buh Buh out of the ring and UT caught D-Von with a DDT.
-the match went a while longer Truly, a solid bout...
-UT had Buh Buh alone and chokeslammed him... Edge and Christian ran out and tried for the "Conchairto"... UT ducked and they slammed chairs together. Kane ran in and the brothers beat up the other brothers... (but not the OTHER other brothers)
-UT whacked Edge with a chair... Edge went down, or rolled out of the ring... something happened.
-The Ref saw that UT was holding a chair over the laid out body of Buh Buh Ray... and more importantly, the Ref remembered the HURTFUL, BULLYING words the UT used towards him a few minutes ago, and DISQUALIFIED the dead bastard!!!! The Dudley's retained the straps.
-commercials.
-Trish Stratus paid a visit to Vince's room and got them both to take off their jackets. Austin barged in. Vince tried to explain why he'd book that silly main event. Austin said that he actually LIKES the idea and is looking forward to the match! He also said that he really doesn't think HE'S the person Vince is trying to "screw tonight".... (BWAHAHAHAAA)
-oh and... umm.... I hope you all noted how Vince's shirt was a WEE bit to small for him... look at those buttons just STRAIN against his chest. Hey Vince... give it a REST, you freak.
-The Kat came out with the Acolytes. She was wearing a trench coat (so she SUPPORTS shooting up schools?)
-The Kat got on the mic and said that the "human body is a beautiful thing and should NOT be wasted on layers and layers of clothes" (obviously, she didn't make the Wrestleline Christmas party last year)
-She said that what the RTC called "scantily clad women", SHE called "a woman's right to express herself"! (Jeeze, then take up macramé, or something!)
-Kat encourages us to say NO to the right to censor and YES to the "right to nudity"
-"After all... we came into this world naked, why can't we come into this RING naked?" (Because then concealment of foreign objects will get one HELL of a lot more FAGGOTY!!!)
-Kat wants us ALL to get naked!! Lawler took off his shirt. (oh, I smiled... and so did you, marks!)
-The Kat preached more... then started to undress..
-Out comes the RTC... the Acolytes run out... Bull and the Goodfather kept them busy.
-Stevie Richards ran in and screamed at the Kat. ("YOU... YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A LITTLE SL(BLEEEEP)T!!!!") Just as his head was about to explode...
-The Kat kissed him... deeply... that mouth was WIIIDE opened... woof... that Lawler runs one WHACKED out ship, I tells ya!
-Richards stumbles away in dismay... and walks right into a nice Bradshaw clothesline... the camera was right in their faces so it looked really cool. Richards went down.
-Ivory tried to get involved, but the Kat chased her away. The segment ended. Ross told Lawler to put his britches on. I think I've just about had enough of Lawler's antics. maybe it's time for some new material, huh?
-The replay LEAVES in the word "Slut"... how very Nitro of them.
-Outside, Raven confronts Molly Holly (whowentouthtereinanearliersegmenttofinallydealwithravensninjabitchwhichItotallymissedforsomereason) Raven said that he 5thought HIS family were nuts... but at least his parents were not related to each other. Molly said, "Enough talk, where's your woman?" Raven said that she was coming, but she isn't "his woman". In fact, Raven said he didn't HAVE a woman (AHA!! THE RUMORS WERE TRUE!!!!!)... but touched Molly's face and said, "yet". What idiot wrote THIS cheeze script?
-commercials... "Saving Silverman" is coming soon. Anyone else see Jack Black in a movie and automatically think to themselves, "Damn, he's taking ALL of Stuttering John's parts?"
-"Saving Silverman"... I can't WAIT for this to bomb so they can END this push to get that annoying Amanda Peet over.
-and if I EVER use wrestling lingo to talk about something OTHER than wrestling... please, slice off my nuts with a paring knife.
-Vince is about to show Trish how a QB snaps a football when Al Snow steps in. Trish leaves. Al is there to talk to Vince about the way he treated Mick Foley. Vince stopped him and told him he's "competing" tonight (ever notice, that's the ONLY word Vince uses in these scenarios?). Snow leaves. Vince scoffs at the name "Mick Foley"
-Raven's ninja bitch shows up... fights with Molly a little. Raven steps in. Molly crotches him. The Ninja kicks Molly, then throws Raven into the car and takes off. There was no point to any of this.
-commercials
-during the break, 2 Cool told Michael 2 Cole that fun is fun, games are games... but Rikishi stepped OVER the line, so blah blah blah
-Rikishi and Haku show up. Haku screams some "TONGON" (roughly translated, "I LEFT MY SPECIAL ISLAND CHAFFING POWDER BACK IN MY LAST WCW LOCKER ROOM!!! ARRRGH, THE PAIN, THE PAIN!!" Rikishi just smiled maliciously at the two boys. He sees an easy payday tonight.
-Rikishi and Haku come to the ring. We see footage from their First Blood Match with Kane and the UT (damn, if only JJ Dillon was there to wipe the blood away with a towel... damn)
-Too Cool came out. "Turn it up!"
-ARRGH... NOW TURN IT DOWN, YA' DAMN KIDS!!!!
-BC took it to Rikishi through air tactics.. he went for a Sunset Flip... Rikishi sat down HARD... but MISSED. I SWEAR I saw Rikishi mouth something about a mother fornicator.
-Double Too Cool Elbowdrop
-All the agility in the world couldn't hold back a nasty Rikishi clothesline for long.
-Haku was in... he chopped at Taylor.
-Rikishi was back in... Taylor narrowly missed a Flying Ass (why am I writing this SHIT??? I SHOULD BE OUT WRITING THRILLING FICTION STORIES!!!!)
-there's some irony in there... don't think I don't know this
-BC with a thrust kick on Rikishi... Rikishi turned to shake it off and was hit by a Scotty clothesline... Haku was in and did the same to Scottie.
-BC went for the Flying Legdrop, but Haku crotched him.
-Rikishi took the Worm. Haku took him out right after.
-BC was able to hit the "Hip-Hop Drop"
-Rikishi recovered and hit a belly to belly.
-He climbed the second rope and hit the Banzai Drop on BC. The Islanders won. (HAW... this is the only way anyone will write that sentence!)
-Let us go backstage, where Angle runs into Essa Rios, and registers his surprise that Essa still works for the company. (count the days before Lita dumps HIS ass) Angle asks him where the Rock was. Essa gave him directions.
-commercials
-Angle finds the Rock and tries to make nice for this match. Rocky calmly, yet coldly tells Kurt that they will be partners tonight, but this in no way will stop Angle from becoming the ex WWF champion before too long. Rock tells him that he will destroy Angle in the very near future. Rocky leaves Angle looking suitably unnerved.
-Al Snow comes out.
-Chris Benoit comes out. This should be a barn burner.
-The bell rings... the have a kick exchange... which Benoit gets the better of.
-Benoit pounds away... Snow whips him into the corner. Benoit hits it chest first and bounces backwards... Al catches him with a behind clothesline.
-It spills outside... Al eats steel.
-Benoit gets back into the ring and goes to work on Snow's shoulder.
-Snow with a Pump handle back suplex.
-Snow takes some control. Benoit sells for him. That alone is a wonder. NO ONE sells for Al Snow!
-Snow hits TWO top rope moonsaults!
-Benoit was able to hang on, and a few seconds later, got on the Crossface. Snow tapped. Benoit won. The nice thing about this match is that there was a chance that Benoit WOULD have put Snow over if asked (assuming, of course, that he had any SAY in the matter). He's just that kind of guy... I think.
-Steph and Vince have another scene. Steph accuses Austin of plotting something. Vince uses a piece of carrot as an acting device. All I can say is... thank CHRIST Geilgud died last year... or this would have surely killed him.
-commercials
-Chyna was at the WWF new York to shill her book. Ross asked her how the HELL can she cope with her "injury" and maintain good spirits on her book tour at the same time? All you need to know is that Chyna VISIBLY rolled her eyes before spouting off her silly answer.
-Ross and Lawler goof on the critics of the XFL. Lawler targeted Rudy Marsky of USA Today in particular. Lawler said that after reading Rudy write about "squirming" while watching the XFL cheerleaders, he said, "I bet you Rudy's not married... and if he is, I bet his wife's best friend runs on batteries!" (HAW!!!! BOOYAA, YA BASTARDS!!! TRY RECOVERING FROM THAT!!! YA CAN'T!!!)
-Ross promised something for Dennis Miller later on. He would do it now, but he didn't want to get off on a rant here... (the sad part is.. I racked my brains for HOURS trying to come up with something better than that)
-a production package telling us why the XFL rocked... the propaganda Hitler used to convince the world that he loved the Jews was more believable
-Austin barged in on HHH and Stephanie and stuck out his hand. HHH didn't take it. Austin slapped his arm and wished him luck. (THAT'S PHYSICALITY!!! AUSTIN JUST BLEW THE WM MATCH!!!!!! DEAR GOD!!!!). He said, "Nice hair, Steph" before leaving. Her head IS a mess!
-Angle and Trish was walking... err.. I mean WALKI... no, just walking (face it.. it's time to retire that "joke")
-Rock is NOT walking... he is dousing himself with bottled water over a plant so as to not stain the rug... the producer is talking... Ross is completely flustered... he recovers as the Rock starts to leave and the Camera stays on the plant at an awkward distance...the clusterfu*k becomes complete as Ross screams that the main event is N...
-commercials
-The Rock is out.
-The Angle is out.
-The H is out.
-The Austin is out. He stomps around the ring a bit... then moves in and attacks Angle from behind... the match begins.
-Austin works over Angle. He gets off a pretty nifty Superplex!
-Austin moves in a slaps HHH's arm. HHH gets in and mouths off to Austin a bit. Angle tags in the Rock who waits for HHH to turn around. He catches him with punches.
-HHH fights back with a thumb to the eye.
-more punches from Rocky.
-HHH with the drop down knee.
-Rocky waits for a good Rock Bottom... Angle tags his back and jumps in.
-HHH knocks Angle around, then hard tags Austin. He goes for the Stunner, Angle shoves him away... Angle charges... Austin dumps him out of the ring.
-HHH watches Austin work over Angle. Rocky moves in and throws HHH into the ring.
-Rocky waits for HHH to turn around. Angle is in. he hits Rocky from behind and goes to work on HHH himself.
-The Big Show comes out and gives Rocky a "Final Cut" on the outside. TBS wasn't wearing a shirt... he DID lose some weight.
-Rocky had to be helped out. It became a handicapped match.
-Austin and Hunter took turns banging Angle against the Announce table.
-back in the ring, HHH bounced off the ropes to hit Angle with a clothesline... as he went into Austin's side of the ropes, Austin leaned down on the top one... HHH backflipped over it and hit the ring. Ross denied the evil deed. "Austin wouldn't do that! Certainly NOT!"
-Replay showed that he DID do it... Ross, "well, maybe... well okay... he was stretching his triceps!" (nice role reversal there! Unless you want to go with "ROSS IS SUCH A SUCK ASS KISS UP!!!!"... either way works)
-Austin went to the wrong corner by "mistake" just as HHH tried to tag him.
-HHH hit Angle with the Pedigree. Austin distracted the Ref during the pin attempt.
-HHH faced off with Austin. Austin chucked him a pair of middle fingers. HHH swung. Austin ducked and did it again.
-Angle crotched HHH. He picked up a chair and walloped Hunter. Angle pinned him. Austin play acted upset.
-Then he stunned Angle. He grabbed some beers and celebrated at the entranceway.
-The show ended with Austin in triumph.
It wasn't a horrible show. It wasn't that bad. It had some solid action, actually. Austin was having fun. That counts for something!
Nitro has been on a 3 week roll here. Let's see if they can make it a month?
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